| Description | [Diary Transcription]
84
1826
January Sunday 1
7 55/60
11 1/4
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made and lighted my own fire, as I did also yesterday morning, and mean to continue to do, that I may have a
fire to go to bed by — went into the stable — from 8 1/2 to 10 1/4 writing to Mrs. Milne musing whether to disguise my
hand or not — wrote one page in the same hand in which I wrote the poetical anonymous in 1821, then threw aside this sheet —
tried another — then took a 3rd, wrote 3 ppages and (nothing on the ends) but several whole length lines across the paper
under the seal — A copy of what I wrote yesterday — at 10 1/4 sent down my letter for the post — Troubled
in my mind about what I had written could not say my prayers the wickedness stared me in the face the
devil rather than God seemed neared when I attempted to pray ~ Dressed — finding George not gone (his bad cold
had kept him from church) recalled my letter This was ssome comfort to me resolved to write another the foll
owing passage particularly displeased me ‘why murmur against that dark impenetrable
destiny that surrounds me could I in any case have made you happy yet where was the heart that
would have done such homage to your loveliness that would have burnt such never changing incen
se on the altar of your charms full well I remember all that has been told me but as you truly observe
'love and friendship never despair’ and I have sometimes been vain and presumptuous enough to
fancy that there are who might have had less to excuse and whose constant fervour of devotion mi
ght have won your love forever I think you could love and love warmly I lay but little stress on the ‘usual
indifference of your character’ and perhaps at this moment still less on your memorable words
'I can excite the feelings of others and keep my own calm’ you have a heart and I will not believe it
a bad one’ . . . . . . . Breakfast at 11 1/4 — Could think of nothing but Mrs. Milne and my letter ~ intently anxious
afraid of committing myself and of being in her power ~ Excused myself from reading the service till afternoon —
said I wished to write — my mind was intently occupied — Charles Howarth brought a man (William Tetley of Southowram)
whom he had taken trespassing at the bottom of the Calfcroft — the man cried, and seemed so penitent, said he should be
excused, but he should be the last who should get off so easily — Came upstairs at 12 From then to four and a half
wrote the copy of another letter to Mrs. Milne and then wrote it out on three pages ready to go tomorrow
better satisfied with this it does not commit me so much makes it appear that she had led me away
that I could not resist her fascination saw the brink on which I was sstanding trembled at the
sight and was wretched ‘accustomed only to your indifference that sudden burst of kindness was
more fatal than the electric bolt of lightning . . . . . . you saw the nameless agitation of my mind yuo [you]
saw that lapse of reason that in her fall threw back the curtain which hadd hidden me from myself oh tha
t I were blinded still nor scathed by that magic spell that charms to ruin . . . . . oh that you had been
all that you are not and that the charms of beauty and talent had never been interwoven so fatally for
the peace of those who have not power to escape their fascination . . . . . what have you done to
me Harriet for I know not cannot tell but I am wretched . . . . . I dare not see you again . . . . . 'there is
a something written on your heart that cannot be effaced if you would’ you have given that something
‘a local habitation and a name’ and my eyes are opened to the enormous penalty my happiness must pay ‘will
it not make you my friend through life’ yes my love 'aux autels’ . . . . mine shall never be the lips to utter
your disparagement . . . . . . my seal may strike you (used the same I sealed the poetical anonymous with the
Issott’s crest a lion issuing from a coronet) perhaps it may now more especially interest you to dis
cover that you have been longer and oftener than you suspect an object of anxiety to your affectionate and
devoted Anne Lister’ — went downstairs at 4 3/4 — read aloud the evening prayers and a sermon — Dressed — [illegible] — Read over
my letter to Mrs. Milne Dinner at 6 3/4 — afterwards wrote out the journal of Friday — Fine morning — hard frost — It began to
thaugh between 4 and 5 p.m. and was a very rainy evening — Barometer 3 3/4 degrees below changeable Fahrenheit 33° at 9 25/60 p.m. at which hour came up to bed
read over from page 166. to 198. no. [number] 6. Zoological Journal —
85
1826
January Monday 2
6 1/4
11 1/4
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went into the stable Examined Caradoc's shoes — Cooper has shod him uncommonly well — Did not come in again
till 7 — Reading and musing over my letter to Mrs. Milne Sent it down for the post-office, and went out at 9 — James Sykes stubbing
the fence at the bottom of the Dolt, Jackman and his sons William and Thomas walling at the bottom of the Calf-croft next to Charles Howarth
went to George Naylor's about leading stones — he walked with me all over the upper land — John Oates farms badly
ditto Benjamin Bottomley — the former in laying down a field said it would sward itself and sew no seeds — Benjamin Bottomley’s new layer
is all chick weed — George Naylor sows 8 or 9 lbs. pounds of white clover (with a little red among it) and two and a half
quarters of good new hay-seeds per daywork — good new hay seeds worth twice as much — will go
twice as far as hay seeds from old laid land like ours below the house — Came in at 11 35/60 — breakfast at
11 50/60 — went out again — at 12 50/60 — to the men — Came in and upstairs at 2 50/60 Reading and musing over Mrs. Milne’s letter
said I to myself she is a bad one how lightly she mentions ‘those pretty little stories’ she would int
rigue with me or anyone what would π [Mariana] say can one have any confidence in a woman like Mrs. Milne ~ From 4 to
6 settling my accounts — Dressed — dinner at 6 3/4 — afterwards wrote out the 1st 28 lines of Saturday — Came up to bed at 9 1/2 at
which hour Barometer 1 1/3 degrees below changeable Fahrenheit 36° — A little light rain when I got up this morning, but soon fair, and a very
fine day —
Tuesday 3
8
11
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Incurred a cross thinking of Mrs. Milne fancying I had a penis and was intriguing with her in the downstairs
water closet at Langton before breakfast to which she would have made no objection I shall never for
get her manner of saying just before we parted you have me when she asked me to write I had
the wit to ask her to write first to which she consented at once and gave me a bit of her hair and cut off
a bit of mine — went into the stable — went out at 9 1/4 — Jackman and William and little Thomas walling at the bottom of the
Calf croft, and, in the afternoon, began removing and rebuilding the wall (now to be only 3 feet 4 inches or 3 feet 6 inches high) along Charles Howarth’s North
woodhead field — James Sykes laying the new soil for the holly hedge in Tilley holme near James Smith’s garden, and helping to rake up
rubbish to burn, in the afternoon — breakfast at 11 — staid down talking — went out again at 12 3/4 — came in and upstairs
at 3 — Washed my feet etc and cut my toenails ~ From 4 3/4 to 6 1/4 wrote 3 ppages and one end to M- [Mariana] — Explanatory
about this business with her mother — had seen her twice since, but only for a few minutes and in company — think I did
not even shake hands on taking leave — could not meet again with the same feelings towards each other as formerly —
could not meet in comfort — better not meet at all — I should keep diligently out of her way — had no desire
ever to see her again — but would keep up appearances — did not wish the world to know all this, as it could only lead to
disagreeableness — Could not retract the word cajoled — Dinner at 6 3/4 — Came up to bed at 9 35/60 at which hour Barometer
1/2 degree below changeable Fahrenheit 35 1/2° — Very fine day —
Wednesday 4
7 50/60
11 5/60
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From 9 1/2 Incurred a cross exactly the same as yesterday ~ From 9 1/2 to 10 1/4, wrote the last end, crossed the
1st and nearly the whole of the 2nd page and sent off my letter to M- [Mariana] (Lawton) — chiefly in further explanation of this
settlement business — ‘On this one point, your mother and I are agreed — So long as she believes herself right, she ought
not to get over the word cajoled — I am in no mind to retract it; and here the matter rests and must rest’ —
Bid M- [Mariana] never again mention money to any of her family, nor ever name me (Lou always excepted whom ‘I shall always
treat with the utmost attention, confidence, and regard’, and to whom M- [Mariana] may say anything she likes) unless to tell
her mother ‘that I shall always remember her former kindness with gratitude and pleasure, and in proportion to
these shall always think of the present disagreement between us with mortification and pain’ — (vide also yesterday) —
George took my letter — and ordered a chaise to be here (to bring up my father) and take my uncle to the Mitholm at 11 1/2
to receive his rents — I offered to go with him to assist, but he did not wish it, and I, of course, said no more — He strikes
me as being much more nervous of late, and perhaps more asthmatic, and less and less fit for exertion of any kind —
Breakfast at 10 3/4 — Came upstairs at 11 3/4 — till 1 3/4 writing out the last 7 lines of Saturday the whole of Sunday Monday Tuesday and
so far of today — I have just read over Mrs. Milne’s letter I cannot get it out of my mind what would she think of mine yesterday
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