| Description | [Diary Transcription]
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1823 August
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but determined she had better feel mortified than hurt, and therefore did not tell her - She thought I had done right - Surprised to find me
so unwell - Yet I told her all about it at Chester she knew I had more discharge than she had and of my consulting doctor Sim
pson it was she advised my being bled and blistered though she never once remembered to forgot to inquire whether I had followed her advice or whether
it answered or not she said she was ssorry but the eexpression of her sorrow on this occasion was tame indeed compared with the eexpress
ion of her surprise on our meeting this morning I proposed sleeping in Petergate she thought I had better not she was
afraid of doing me harm I promised to put this out of the question - Talked the matter over with Lou - In fact, I had talked
very openly before Lou all the day, I said I certainly liked her the best of her family next to M- [Mariana]. Lou will come to Shibden any time -
M- [Mariana] had told her it would be a nice thing for us both - Determined to get out at the Duffins and desired Lou to give my love and say,
I would sleep in Petergate and be with them in an hour - The postboy stopt at the nunnery - however I alighted ran to the Duffin’s.
I was ushered in at 8 55/60 - Mr Mrs and Miss Duffin and Miss Marsh seated round the table - very kind reception. Mr Duffin said I must
sleep there - he had a bed ready for admiral Ballard who would not come so late - Dr Belcombe taken dangerously ill on Thursday
night - inflammation in his bowels - given up on Friday and not pronounced out of danger till Sunday - In the course of Friday and Saturday they had taken
six lbs [pounds] of blood from him - He ought not to see M- [Mariana] and Lou, ought to be kept perfectly quiet - Said they would expect me after the
message sent and I must at all events go and inquire; but if they did not wish me to stay, I would return - Took James with me and got to the Belcombe’s
at 9 3/4. Dr Belcombe considerably better - had seen M- [Mariana] and Lou, and saw me too - Considering what he had gone through his looks were better than I
expected - they all seemed sanguine of his being quite out of danger, M- [Mariana] and Lou were much more composed than I had anticipated -
Lou should have had the alarming letter on Monday morning just before they set off; but thou they sent or went themselves to the Post Office the letter
was over looked - How fortunate! They would have travelled all night and M- [Mariana] been knocked up with harassment and anxiety - Found I could stay all
night very well oh yes ssaid Mrs Milne stay she seemed the most cordial about it though they all behaved very kindly π [Mariana] never uttered
this perhaps this was best - M- [Mariana] wrote a few lines to Mr Charles Lawton and she and colonel and Mrs Milne sat in the drawing room till after I was gone
up to bed, Mrs Belcombe and Eli and Lou and I having sat talking on indifferent subjects in Mrs Belcombe’s sitting room - went upstairs to look at the
little whites, aetatis [age of] 5 and 6, Mrs Belcombe’s great nieces just arrived from Madras - Mrs Belcombe ennuyee for want of something to do and fond of
‘teaching the young idea how to shoot’ had taken these children to educate as she did their aunts Mary and Louisa Rickett
10 or a dozen years ago - Dr Belcombe was sitting up in Mrs Belcombe’s sitting room when I saw him but retired almost immediately about 10, -
Mrs Milne lent me night things - talked to me a few minutes in her lodging room looking sweetly pretty ‘Charles and Marianne Dalton such
amazing friends,’ her, Mrs Milne’s, ‘nose quite put out’ - ‘It was Charles and Marianne and Bell, Isabella and Bell’ Continued up to bed
at 11 1/2. M- [Mariana] and I talked a little of Dr Belcombe etc etc I got into bed just after the minster clock had struck 12 Very fine day indeed
line 12 from the top of p.98 Eo -
Wednesday 20th
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Soon began on the eerotics last night her warmth encouraging I said this was not like keeping our promise she ans
wered no and reached a towel to put under us to keep the bed clean on account of her cousin I had retired too early for her am I too soon for you yes
rather said she and I resumed determined she should have a sufficiently good kiss before I had done she said she had and
we fell asleep both awoke at five in the morning and talked till seven asked if this was not better than my sleeping in
Micklegate yes but it was prudence # on her part she had a feelin she could not describe would make any sacrif
ice rather than have our connection suspected she seemed very affectionate and fond of me said I was her only
comfort she should be miserable without me. Lou has got rather out of L’s [Charles Lawton] good books she - Lou never got up to breakfast -
Living with her uncle had given her very independent notions - He waited for her, consulted her in everything. She told Charles one morning she
got up at the hour that suited her convenience - L [Charles Lawton] has therefore been sadly out of his best humour this ssummer and π [Mariana] sadly fidgeted -
Told M- [Mariana] that she did not understand one 1/2 my letter and misunderstood the other - that my aunt said speaking of the regard between us, it was ‘much
more on one side than the other.’ - on my side than hers - Miss Pattison had blushed up to the eears and told her at Manchester that
# Tuesday morning 26 August 1823 this is very well in its way but she has more of it than love -
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L [Charles Lawton] complained of her being cold and she wished she would try to be warmer when she returned π [Mariana] said she and L [Charles Lawton] very well knew
the reason of that that she could not seem warm if she did not feel so π [Mariana] once sat next Miss Pattisons uncle at dinner there and he
said of her she looked like one who could love I agreed then reverting to ourselves this is adultery to all intents and pur
poses no no said she oh yes π [Mariana] no casuistry can disguise it not this then but the other well said I choosing to let the thing
turn her own way I always considered your marriage legal prostitution we were both wrong you to do and I to consent to it
and when I think of blaming others I always remember nothing can at all excuse us but our prior connection I did not pu
rsue the subject nor did π [Mariana] seem to think much of it the fear of discovery is strong it rather increases I think but her con
science seems sseared so long as concealment is secure she said yesterday of Harriet if she had never liked
Milne I could have made more eexcuse for her thought I to myself if none but those who were without sin threw the fir
st stone Harriet like the woman taken in adultery might escape told her she needed not fear my conduct letting
out our secret I could deceive any one then told her how completely I had duped Miss Pickford # and that the success of such deep
deceit almost smote me but I had done it all for her π[’]s [Mariana] sake why should it smite you it is deceit that does no one
any harm I made no reply but mused how sophistry might reign within the breast where none suspected it how might not
this argument be stretched from one deceit to another Mary you have passion like the rest but your caution cheats the world out of
it scandal and your courage is weak rather than your principal strong yet is it I who write this shes true to me yes but she has
not that magnanimity of truth that satisfies a haughty spirit like mine she is too tamely worldly and worldliness is her
strength and weakness her foible and her virtue she loves me I do believe her as well as she is capable of loving yet her marr
iage was worldly her whole conduct is worldly to the farthest verge that craven love can bear how often has it struck
me that years ago when once talking to Lou about this marriage and the powerful circumstances that almost compelled it well sa
id she you do not know π [Mariana] she is worldly and the match was worldly altogether this did indeed strike me at the time but it never struck
me as it does at this moment (Thursday 21 August 3 55/60 pm 1823) - it now opens upon me as the key of all that all I have
never yet been able to comprehend in her character I have doubted her love I have doubted her sincerity how of
ten with an almost bursting heart have I laid aside my papers and my musings because I dared not pursue inconsistencies
I could not unravel I could not deem the dial true I would not deem it false the time the manner of marriage to sink January
1815 in oblivion oh how it broke the magic of my faith forever how spite of love it burst the spell that bound my very reason
suppliant at her feet I loathed consent but loathed the asking more I would have given the yes she sought though it had
rent my heart into a hundred thousand shivers it was enough to ask - It was a coward love that dared not brave the storm; and
in desperate despair my proud indignant spirit watched it sculk away - How few the higher feeling we then could have in common! the chivalry
of heart was gone - Hope’s brightest hues were brushed away - Yet still one melancholy point of union remained. She was unhappy
so was I - Love scorned to leave the ruin desolate and Time she had shaded it so sweetly my heart still lingers in its old abiding place
thoughtless of its broken bowers save when some sudden gust blows this and screeching memory is disturbed - But oh! no more - ‘The heart
knoweth its own bitterness’ and it is enough - ‘Je sens mon cœur, et je connois les hommes. Je ne suis fait comme aucun
de ceux que j’ai vus; j’ose croire n’etre n’être fait comme aucun de ceux qui existent.’ [‘I know the feelings of my heart, and I know men. I am not made like any of those I have seen; I dare to believe that I am not made like any of those who exist’] Rousseaus confessions volume
and page first she loves me tho it is neither exactly as I wished nor as I too fondly persuaded myself ere years had taught me
to weigh human nature in the balance or unlock the loveliest of bosoms with the key of worldliness yes she loves me my own feelings
shall descent to hers they have done so in part how I could have adored her had she been more of that angelic being my fancy
formed her no thought no word no look had wandered then surely my every sentiment towards her had had less of earth in it than hea
ven - How like ‘the visions of romantic youth’! I know she might have realized that. Je sens mon cœur [I know the feelings of my heart] - But no more - no more - I
seem unable to return to the dry detail of a journal - At seven an hour before getting up asked her to get out of bed and
Tuesday morning 26 August 1823
# did not give the slightest hint of P’s [Miss Pickford] real character nor does π [Mariana] at all suspect the truth I merely said she was the most learned woman I knew
and had therefore more penetration than the world in general - π [Mariana] thought she should feel under restraint before her -
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