| Description | [Diary Transcription]
302
1834
January Sunday 5
8 1/2
Much talk last night till 4 this morning and then not asleep for a long while —
She repented having left me longed to go after me to Copenhagen had had Mr. Ainsworth
writing and offering again etc. etc. once thought she ought to marry lastly refused him
her sister told him she was not able to judge for herself but he did not mind that so both
Captain and Mrs. Sutherland got annoyed at him I suppose saw through him Miss Walker talks as if
she would be glad to take me then if I say anything decisive she hesitates I tell her
it is all her money which is in the way the fact is she is as she was before but was deter
mined to get away from the Sutherlands and feels the want of me but take someone with
more mind less money Steph is right she would be a great pother have nothing
serious to say to her she wants better manning than I can manage I touched her
a little but she soon said that exhausted her I had my drawers on and never tried to get
near knowing that I could not do it well enough I am weak about her oh that I may get
well rid of her ~ breakfast at 9 1/2 — sat talking — left her alone in the house and came to read the prayers
to my aunt — walked in 1/2 hour and came in at 12 — prayers at 12 1/4 to my aunt and her maid and Eugenie
and Thomas in about 1/2 hour — then saw my aunt’s leg dressed — she said how much better it looked than it did yesterday —
In fact, I am not of Marian’s croaking opinion — Came up to my study at 2 — siding and wrote out
yesterday and so far of today — and off again at 5 10/.. and at Lidgate in 1/2 hour — dinner at 6 1/4 — coffee and tea at 8 1/2
read a chapter in St. Matthew and prayers to the servants and came to my room at 10 20/.. — fine day —
Monday 6
9 20/..
12
L
L
At twelve last night felt her on the amoroso she thought me asleep and I pretended to be so
till my fondness seemed to awake me pressed and partly grubbled and held her near me but had on my
drawers in fact I had as much a kiss as possible without absolute contact said I dared not
be nearer uncertain how she would make up her mind about and afraid of attaching myselt [myself] to her
too much pressing and feeling her this morning she let me look at her without seeming to care
in fact I might do all I could and not do enough I am older in these matters than
I was twenty years ago she seems bent on taking me but yet it is uncertain for she says
nothing quite positive ’tis well my care for her will not kill me whether she says
eventually yes or no — Ready in an hour then breakfast — out at 11 3/4 — walked with Miss Walker
to Cliff hill and sat an hour there with her aunt — then walked with her to Mrs. Carter’s, and left her there
and walked over the fields to Yew Trees and thence to Shibden — called at Charles Howarth’s — he will give me
a plan of taking away the hall chamber and throwing the hall ceiling up to the top — found my father
and aunt and Marian at dinner — my aunt not so well today as yesterday — came to my study wrote ppages 2 and 3
of my letter to M- [Mariana] begun yesterday — and in answer to a rigmarole of 3 ppages received this morning from a Miss Jane
Clark formerly of the Stump and now of Little Horton, offering herself to me either as a travelling
companion or nursery governess! wrote merely ‘Shibden hall. Monday 6 January 1834. Madam
‘I received your letter this morning, and have only to inform you that I am not in want of anyone in the capacity
‘you name — I am, Madam, etc. etc. etc. A Lister’ Sent off Thomas with this letter to ‘Miss Jane Clark, Little
Horton, Bradford.’ just saw my aunt etc. and off again at 5 10/.. and at Lidgate in 1/2 hour — dinner at 6 —
303
1834
January
+
Mr. Samuel Washington came for a pothering long time longer than necessary — Mr. Carr one of the applicants
for the upper land — Samuel Washington obliged to go to him 3 times for the rent, and then to give a stamped receipt —
probably Godley will be on sale soon — tea at 8 1/2 — read a little in the Cabinet encyclopædia
volume 1. while Miss Walker wrote to her sister — upstairs at 10 3/4 — fine mild morning and fine day
till between 3 and 4 p.m. then rain for some time, and rain 1/2 my way back to Lidgate and rainy night at
11 p.m. —
Tuesday 7
8 1/4
11 35/..
A little pressing and grubbling last night but I am not for more of it than I can help ~
read prayers — breakfast at 9 1/2 — very fine sunny morning till about 10 — rain between 10 and 11 for some
time then fine again — read the St. James’s Chronicle London 3 days a week paper — out at about 11 1/2
walked with Miss Walker by Lower brea and along my walk to here — she paid her visit
to my sister and was a little while in the drawing room with my aunt, and a longish while with me in my
study — lent her (took back with me) volume 38 off the British Essayists — then walked back with
her to Lidgate to leave the book, and then to Cliffhill where I left her at the gate at 2 40/..
then here and came to my study — wrote out yesterday and today — Wonder how all this will end she ma
kes sure of me if she chooses and talks as we both do as if all was fixed but still she says nothing
positive I don't care much about it and perhaps I shall get off again without her
and then be rid of her ~ finished my letter to M- [Mariana] dated Sunday yesterday and today — tell her to
cheer up — ‘things happen so oddly, — we are always so little able to calculate our
‘fate; and there is generally so much good we never think of, that, trust me, it is a mauvais
‘calcul [miscalculation] to look too attentively on the darker side of anything — How can we say that
‘even our mistakes shall cost us as dear as we fancy they must? In these
‘matters, we pay only by instalments; and the remainder of our debt is often forgiven us
‘when we least expect it — think not, Mary of ‘unstrung nerves’ — think only that with increased
‘experience and improved discernment, you have added powers of setting right the wrong, and of bending
‘circumstances more and more as you would have them — I remember what you allude to, about my aunt — it
‘was rather an observation to me, than a message to you — you know my aunt’s regard for me, and should make much
‘allowance for a feeling that might have been your own, had you been in her place — you say ‘my head and
‘my words are very commonplace, but my heart has no affinity with either’— Monday afternoon 6 January This may
‘indeed be more true than you ever before taught me to believe; but, remember, our most familiar friend must
‘judge of us in some sort by our words; and we ourselves should watch these narrowly when we know that they
‘are not in unison with, or do injustice to, our feelings — But cheer up my dearest Mary’ …..
wiser now than before can estimate persons and things more fairly — I believe her happiness will improve beyond her
expectation — she richer in friends than most people — to call on Lady Eastnor, and if not at home send
note to say sorry and should was in Cheshire at the time or should have had the honour of waiting on her on the
6th — do not give the exact form of the note because know not the style she has written in before — Again
bid her cheer up — ‘I never despaired, of you or myself — if I see you dispirited and unwell, it must
‘make me uneasy and unhappy in the midst of all the blessings that may surround me — Pray what
was the Gipsy’s prophecy? I am curious to know — Do pray tell me — But the fact is, you yourself are the
gipsy, the fortune-teller and the fortune-maker — Providence leaves us free — ’Tis we enthral ourselves
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