| Description | [Diary Transcription]
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is to make his 32nd ascent in a balloon tomorrow from the Champs Elysées — ‘Cold as my aunt thinks it,
Fahrenheit, from 12 at night to 12 at noon, has never yet been below 55 1/2, and only once so low,
that was at 7 this morning’ — writing the last 30 lines took me till 10 25/60 — wafered, directed, and
sent off at 10 40/60 my letter to ‘Miss Marian Lister, Shibden hall, Halifax, Yorkshire Angleterre’, and to ‘Mr. James Briggs
Ward’s end, H-x [Halifax],, Yorkshire, Angleterre’ — breakfast at 10 40/60 — read Galignani’s Messenger — Mended my stocking ~
Dressed all which took me (having also written and sent at 12 10/60 a little note to Mrs. Barlow to say if she was inclined to walk and
look about her a little I would be with her about 12 1/2) till 12 1/2 — talked 10 minutes to my aunt — (George brought a note from
Mrs. Barlow to say she was at home) and went out at 12 55/60 to Quai Voltaire — Mr. de Lisle there talking to Jane — Mrs. Barlow
with her dress maker — She staid with me sometime in her own room then sent away Mr de Lisle then by and by and at 3 Mrs. Barlow
and Jane and I went to the gardens — Had just taken one turn on the rue de Rivoli side when a drop or 2 of small rain frightened
us home — were out perhaps about 1/2 hour — Several people in the gardens — but, except the wooden frames stuck up to hold the
candles for the illumination at night, nothing to remind one it was St. Charles’s day — the King’s fête — On
our return met on the stairs Mrs. Barlow premier entresol [first mezzanine] neighbours — Madame P- very civil — told me Madame Barlow m’aimait
beaucoup [loved me very much] — peut-être trop [perhaps too much], said Mrs. Barlow madame est bien bonne [is very good], said I — Jane went in with her friend Mademoiselle Adelle,
and Mrs. Barlow and I were tête-à-tête till Jane came to dinner at 5 — Jane was to spend the evening with her friend — having told
my aunt I might or might not be back to dinner, staid and dined with Mrs. Barlow at 5 25/60 — Jane sat with us till 7, and went
to her friend at 7 1/2 — staid with Mrs. Barlow till 9 50/60, then came back in a fiacre along the Quai and place Louis 15 (the
Chambre des Deputés very well illuminated and looked beautiful and the gardens and garde meuble looked well)
and got home at 10 10/60 — talking to my aunt till 10 1/2, and then came to my salon to undress in part — Mr [Mrs] Barlow and I lovemaking she
said she had been much happier since the other day when I said I loved her a little she let me kiss her but not her
mouth saying it was parched and disagreeable she would not let me feel or press her bosom much and I attempted nothi
ng more saying more than once I knew not what she meant to make of me I would do all she wished she bade me love
her as I loved Miss MacLean I said I would if I could but it was very difficult where one had felt love to fee
l only friendship but I would try though I could not quite promise she said no not like Miss MacLean but love me as I lo
ve you I said I could not make out how that was asked her to explain no she would not explain but it was
impossible I could love her as she did me she knew not what she could not do for me she was an indifferent
mother [illegible] to all she would have done anything for me left her child she used to think how wicked she was
she wished to make me good hoped we should meet in another world my spirit would seek hers would have me say my
spirit would rather meet hers than any other and at last for quietness’s ssake I said it she talked much of our meeting
hereafter I said I hoped we should but I could not help thinking of the present and that she talked very seriously y
es ssaid she though I may fall the next minute speaking of Jane she said she did all she could for her she owed her father
much it was more for his ssake than her own though she never used to want maternal affection she owed Colonel Barlow much she
loved him more than she was in love with him she had been in love with me Jane often found fault with her for her we
akness everybody knew it she kept a pair of old slippers of mine they would often have been have been a comfort to
her aunt she would not lend them to her or anybody not to me now for not the same feet would wear them they had
been worn in her service I was changed I belonged to another now insinuated that π [Mariana] was connected with me
I strongly declared off she said it was impossible to lie in her arms every night for [illegible]
we slept together and with passions like mine not yield to such temptation what said I during her husband’s
life then I should cease to respect her and she would lose her best hold of me for I do indeed respect her
highly ah said Mrs Barlow you would not tell me yes ssaid I I would why should I not I would tell you anything this sseemed
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1826
November
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to satisfy her she wished I had π- [Mariana] it would be best for me to be settled it appeared from what she said
that she had thought of going to England but would not miss seeing me and had had some thought of our all being
together till I told her I had promised not to live with her and then she took an apartment in the evening she
leaned on my shoulder and I had my arms round her she said she could lie so forever I said I was ssorry I was no
t yet like her I had too much humanity mortality about me had been for sometime past in an agony
she knew what I meant and had felt my thigh shake a little and said oh don’t do so you will make yourself ill
she said she was happy when I was with her but when I was gone she felt she had lost me perhaps ssaid I I shoul
d not have made you happy you would have been jealous of me yes perhaps she should but she afterwards
harped on this and would have it we had been and should have been happy together she said she liked to sleep wi
th me to lie in my arms I said she had no feelings like mine all was easy to her ah said she you don’t know
I was excited yet withal the evening was rather stupid poor π- [Mariana] and yet what the deuce can I do I am attached
to her and my mind is made up about her but what can I do with Mrs Barlow I do believe she would be besides her
self if I did not conciliate her I will get out of her way as ssoon as I can π- [Mariana] heard that her mother was
odd rather cracky upon my word I think Mrs Barlow is too she took nothing but a little broth at dinner and told me she had
never dined since I told her I loved her a little the tears were perpetually in her eyes she than
ked me two or three times for being so good as sspare her this day in saying she knew my circumstances and
all about me she said yes if anything happens it will be my own fault I have no excuse now she is cur
ious like an insane person she questioned me much about my conduct at last after saying I had ne
ver gone astray since we parted said I had only been in danger once all the harm done at the tea tablle
I was frightened and went off she would know the time (I had mentally alluded to Mrs Milne) at last
I was obliged to say last July on a visit though she fancies it was at Liverpool the lady married did not
know that she had any children did not know her much under thirty she told me she was always thinking
of things had fancied I would not take the English woman sent by Madame Antoine because she came fr
om Guernsey and might tell Potter how we went on meaning how π- [Mariana] and I went on [illegible]
the more I think she is a little cracky she is always fancying people prefer her to anyone else she is
vain curious ssuspicious jealous amatory all thing bordering on unreasonable ~ Very fine morning
fine till 1 — then darkish clouds hovering about and threatening rain till about 3 1/2 — then a drop or 2 of light rain — a light
rain afterwards, and afterwards damp and disagreeable the rest of the day —
Sunday 5
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In my salon at 7 1/2 — Dressed — went out at 8 40/60 — to Madame Contant to tell her Mrs. Ackers did not wish to take
the other pocket handkerchief as M- [Mariana] had not taken it with her — Madame Contant very civil about it — said it was nearly finished
but it mattered not — It is a Mademoiselle Fort, aetatis [age of] about 50, lame, who has been reduced — lives in the rue de Seve,
an authoress — has written a tragedy — très instruite — très bonne société [highly educated — very good society] — who she recommends for me to
go and speak French to — perhaps she may set up a school — Said I would think about it — if I can pay her ‘tis all well —
she is quite, I find, in a wrong line of politics, and I do not much like this — but I shall see about it — I must do
something — must hit upon some plan — as I am going on at present, I shall never speak French — From Madame Contant along
the passage Choiseul to the Boulevard — down the rue de la paix — walked up and down the arcades of the rues
Castiglione and Rivoli, and came in at 10 20/60 — cold dampish, not agreeable sort of morning — I find it will
be soon enough in a morning, for pleasure’s sake, to go out at 9 — Breakfast at 10 40/60 — from 11 to 11 40/60 wrote
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